• JESSE EISENBERG: People on the street say mean things to me.
  • INTERVIEWER: Like what?
  • JESSE EISENBERG: I get called Napoleon Dynamite because I have curly hair. I live in New York City and I ride a bicycle. I always bike down 9th Avenue and there’s this kid who goes to school there named Abraham. Every time I pass him, he calls me Napoleon Dynamite. He screams it out and his friends laugh. That was a fine movie but I wasn’t in it.
  • INTERVIEWER: What do you say back?
  • JESSE EISENBERG: I say, “Please, Abraham, I’m not that man.”

Excerpts from old journals: I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

Ninth grade:

  • I haven’t written in forever! I think I’m afraid to let out my emotions. Honestly. Like, writing about love and loss will be hard, but I’ve got experience now so it will all be real, from the heart. I’ve been very hungry lately. I ate four mini cupcakes. OOPS! 
  • Girls are evil and conniving. They are out to get you no matter what. I hate school. I hate “friends.” Why can’t people be nice? Seriously. It ruined my good day. Boo. 
  • AP history is super scary! We have two textbooks and they are huge and there is another book he “highly recommends.” And he wants us a chapter ahead. Aaah!
  • Things I like about ___: His appearance, his body, his eyes, his smile, his hair, he’s funny and his moped is cool.

Oh my god I have to stop here this hurts too much.

Also: I was the kind of person that said “ahaha” instead of “haha.” I used hearts, frequently, incessantly. I said “yay!!” often. 

Also also: EVERY ENTRY IS A CARBON COPY OF THE FEW ONES ABOVE. The best ones, though, are when I found out my best friend started dating my ex-boyfriend who had broken up with me two weeks prior (and had already kissed five girls!), but they’re a little too explicit to publish. High school!